Hangin' with the guys

It's an important part of any job, really...getting to know your colleagues and interacting with them, sometimes socially.  It makes working with them easier.  Yes, complications can arise when you work with your friends...but I genuinely believe that it is better that your co-workers be your friends than your enemies...or simply indifferent co-inhabitants of the same workspace.

In life and death careers, it's even more important that employees be friends (or at least friendly), as these people are the ones who should have your back when the *&$# hits the fan.

So, even though my nose is just a hair out of place, I totally understand why "the man" is out enjoying the company of his new dept. folk.  Of course, it meant that I didn't get to see him today...at all.  It's a small price to pay for fitting in, though.

Police work is a career laden with egos.  Guys (and gals) who have been on the force forever and think they know everything (and they might).  Young hot shots who become too competitive and think they're better than everyone else.  And those who are always nervous about being passed over for a promotion or overlooked as they stand in the shadow of another.

In hierarchical jobs, find your place is important.  Knowing where you stand, who has your back, who doesn't, who you can trust, and who you can't...these things are almost as important as the job itself.

So, yes, kicking back a few beers and taking in some entertainment with the guys is pretty important work.

Even if it means giving up one of the few nights I have with "the man."

Boo.  But, I'll get over it.  On Friday...when I hit happy hour with my co-workers and "the man" gets to pick up the kid and enjoy some quality parent/child time.

Love notes

It's how we communicate now a days...post-its and little notes on the kitchen counter.  Little I-love-you's and I-miss-you's scribbled in red pen in the wee hours of the morning or very late at night.  Like a thief in the night, he slips in to lay beside me for a few hours before he sneaks off to his dark sleeping room.  I wake at odd hours to share a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.  Time holds no meaning other than "It's time to go to work". 

The love notes tighten the rope that holds our family together right now.  Simple words.  Few words.  But, just enough to get me through the nights when he isn't here.

This morning, I woke to:  "I love you, I miss you, I hate this, This sucks, I miss sleeping in the same room and seeing my family in the morning."

Me, too...love.  Me, too.

WSP Trooper Killed

This is the first WSP shooting since 1929.  So, so sad.  I planned to post this earlier this week when it happened...but...things got in the way.  I've collected a few links that tell the story from the beginning.

Update: WSP Identifies Trooper Killed in Kitsap County

Suspect in Trooper's Killing Dies of Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wounds

Person in Custody in WSP Trooper Shooting Dies

2nd Arrest in WSP Trooper Murder

Related link:

Law Enforcement Line of Duty Deaths in 2012  (January: 15, February: 5)

I want my weekends back

And did I mention I'd like my house back, too?  This whole night shift business has managed to kick my son and I out of our own house every Saturday and Sunday since it began.  Or we hole ourselves up and play games or watch cartoons in the master bedroom...on the other side of the house from "the man's" sleeping quarters (what used to be the guest room).

It's all so surreal.  We come...he goes...he comes...we go...he wakes...we sleep...

We are strangers passing in the day and night.

Well...I suppose that is a bit dramatic.  But sometimes it certainly feels that way.

Police Rants and Negative Public Opinion

I tend to be a reactive person.  I take things personally, often when I shouldn't.  I know this about myself...but it doesn't make it any easier when I hear people complain about cops.  I realize that there are dirty cops out there (lord knows I deal with a similar situation in my line of work), but seriously, one scandal is enough to make the media sharks turn the public on all police.  Same thing with teachers...someone effs up and we're all evil child-molesters out looking to take advantage of innocent children. 

Now a days, it seems as if everyone is out to video tape and trap police (and teachers) doing things they shouldn't be doing.  It's become an "us against them" sort of thing...and the families get dragged into it, too.  Police families want to protect and defend our cops, which can make us defensive.  I just happen to get it coming and going since I work in a similarly loved/hated profession where the workers in the trenches take the brunt of the complaints and negative attention.

For example...Occupy Everything.  While this seems to have begun as a public outcry against economic irresponsibility by the government/fed/Wall Street...it quickly morphed into a bitch session about everything, including cops.  The "Police Brutality" set came out in full force...pulled out their cellphones, and worked together to taunt the cops into action.  These videos then, out of context, moved like wildfire across the internet.

As a police wife, I had to actually stop watching the news, reading articles, and talking to friends about the Occupy movement.  It made me too angry.  Police were called upon to keep the peace, remove people who were looting, harassing passersby, and interfering with local business.  Yet, somehow, they came out "the bad guys".

And then there are the websites and the facebook pages...take any town or city and search google or facebook by filling in this blank:  ____________ brutality...or ______________ police brutality.  You'll find them.

The other night, "the man" and his partner were called out to do a bar check.  It was supposed to be a big concert...a dozen bands in a small bar.  It had "disaster" written all over it.  They stopped by, with someone from the fire department...to make sure, before it started, that the management were aware of the laws...so everyone stayed safe.  The following day, they made the brutality site with the complaint that they came in and bullied everyone, harassing everyone and throwing their weight around.  I just can't believe how twisted stories can become.

"The man" works in a fairly small town...where the vocal minority really hates the cop...feeling them to be "militarized bullies who take advantage of the people and abuse their rights at every turn."  This, of course, couldn't be further from the truth.  They do their job.  They arrest people who break the law.  They ticket people who speed or park where they shouldn't.  The drive and walk around town because that's what cops do.  So, basically, what it comes down to is...they wear a uniform and they exist.  That's offensive enough for some people.

In some bigger cities, it's a much more serious issue.  People actually target cops with violence.  They hunt them down, corner them, beat them up, kill them...for sport...for admission into a gang...for revenge.  It blows my mind.

Sometimes, I wonder why police do it at all.  I wonder...if all the cops took the day off and let the people deal with their own problems...  Well, I know how that would turn out.  It would still be the cops' fault.  They're damned if they do and damned if they don't.  Another thing I can relate to, in my profession.   I suppose someone has to do it.  I just wish we were given the respect we deserve.  It's a hard enough job without the public criticizing our every move.

I Love a Cop

Because I was kind of in the dumps last night...feeling a bit overwhelmed with my increased responsibilities and alone time with a young child who is freaking out about daddy being gone, I went on the search for tips to deal with a stressed out kid.  In the search, I ran across this book...again.  I jumped and downloaded the sample version to my kindle.  I started reading and couldn't stop.  It was engaging, insightful, and made me feel better somehow.  So, I downloaded the full version and spent the morning reading.  I'm already 1/4 of the way through and have yet to find the book boring, patronizing or repetitive (unlike the book "the man" brought home from the academy - meant for families to read).

This book didn't bring me one ounce of comfort.  It pretty much said, "Here is all the stressful stuff you're going to have to deal with...so good luck."  And then it repeated it over and over.  I got so tired of reading about hypervigilance, I eventually just began skimming and scanning my way to the end.

I Love a Cop, on the other hand, give tons of helpful ideas for dealing with exactly the things a police family faces at each stage of the game.  It also focuses on smaller departments and is directed at the family, whereas Emotional Survival really seems intended for the officer.

Anyhow...I guess this is my plug for the book.

So far, I've read the first 3 chapters.  Chapter one "The Way It Is" immediately covers the realities of shift work, long hours, unpredictable schedules, public scrutiny, injuries, and separation.  And rather than saying, "This is the reality...get used to it..." it offers advice on how to deal with your officer, how to ask for what you need, and how to remain supportive while doing so.

Chapter two "The Police Officer's Paradox" focuses mostly on the emotional control required of officers and how that carries over to the homefront, cynicism and overprotectiveness, the effect of working in a hierarchy on the officer's self-esteem, and hypervigilance.  Basically, just like with chapter one...it presents the issues and how those issues affect the officer and then the family...as equal players in the game.

Chapter three "Growing Old in a Young Person's Profession" illustrates the changes that an officer goes through in his/her career:

1.  the applicant phase - loving the idea of the job/excitement,
2.  academy/probation-  the stress of measuring up and dealing with criticism
3.  the honeymoon phase - the adrenaline rush and constant high/idealism
4.  settling down - after the rookie years
5.  disillusionment and losing sight of life outside of police work

Now I'm onto Chapter 4 "Organizational Stress", and the opening quote just makes me smile:

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off." - Anonymous

The funny thing is...my line of work, while not as dangerous as "the man's", is one that follows a very similar path.  I work in education and I can say that 10 years ago, I was definitely idealistic.  I thought I could change the world and I was willing to work loads of extra hours to make that happen.  I gave my life to the job...but, I was single at the time, so it really wasn't hurting anyone.  I'm into the settling down phase...moving into disillusionment...realizing the public scrutiny, blame, and negativity that goes along with my career...not being appreciated, always being criticized...I get it.  So, it's easy for me to relate to the way Ellen Kirschman explains the process of becoming and being a police family.  I'm also sort of comforted by the fact that, unlike some of the young couples introduced in the book, "the man" and I are older (in our mid-30's), have been married for nearly a decade, and have very open communication.  He's emotionally supportive, reads my feelings quite well, and doesn't take things all that personally.  He doesn't hide from problems or confrontation...sometimes cornering me into finishing an argument.  He sees things through and won't let it go until the problem is solved...or at least discussed at length.  Ironically, I, not the officer, am the emotionally-challenged one.  I tend to keep things in, either feeling angry or guilty far longer than I should.

Reading this book is reminding me that I have to be very assertive about my needs...lobbying hard for my relationship and my expectations, while remaining supportive and aware of the obstacles and roadblocks "the man" is facing.  I'm very conscious of my requests, careful to limit them to only the most important, as I know that being in the FTO is period is highly stressful (though exciting).  Every move he makes is being scrutinized and noted.  He doesn't need that at home.

I don't criticize him.  I'm very proud of his accomplishments and I try hard to take on more duties at home.  But, I am verbal about my own emotional needs and those of our son.  I don't care if he leaves a messy kitchen or doesn't do his share of the housework.  But, he absolutely must spend 30 min. on the couch with me before he crashes in the morning.  And he has to spend time alone with his son every night he's home.  He also has to let me know when he will be late, so I don't have to worry about his safety.  I think my requests are reasonable.  And this book is reminding me that this is the way it always should be.

This is a definite must-read for any police family!

When will daddy be home?

So...we aren't coping well tonight with daddy's absence.

This month, "the man" has been on weekend night shift.  He leaves for work around 4 and gets home around 5 in the a.m.  My son and I see him on Thursday and Friday morning for about 30 min. before he hits the hay, and he's already gone by the time we get home from school and work.

Saturdays and Sundays are pretty tough...we leave for the better part of the day to keep the house quiet enough for "the man" to sleep.  The first few weekends weren't too bad - we did our shopping and errands, went to breakfast, wandered around town.  I don't shop much, so getting to some of the stores I hadn't been to for ages was actually entertaining (though my young son would probably disagree).

But, this weekend, it finally hit me.  I've done every bit of shopping our small town has to offer (I even hit the next few towns over).

I came home, put our son down for a nap (he saw daddy for all of 10 minutes), and spent half an hour on the couch listening to "the man" recount the events of his night...then, he was up and getting back into uniform again.  I suddenly found myself holding back tears.  "I'm not done..." I thought... "That wasn't enough time...I'm not ready for you to go again...I don't want to sleep alone...again..." I didn't say it.  I don't like to sound or seem whiny.

It's important to note, I am not a needy or clingy wife.  I have my own career, my own friends, my own hobbies...and I am quite capable of holding down the fort at home.  But, every once in awhile, I become a bit overwhelmed by the amount of time I am now spending alone, or alone with our son.  First the academy, and now night shift...it's been basically 6 months of seeing my husband for roughly 2 days per week.  I'm starting to fall behind, I'm losing my temper more easily, I'm finding myself feeling frazzled and going to bed at 8:30.  And I'm not the only one.  My strong-willed, independent preschooler is beginning to have meltdowns, lash out at those around him, and cry at the drop of a hat.

It's also important to note that "the man" is not insensitive to this.  In fact, I really try to even avoid telling him I'm stressed or feeling over-burdened because I don't want him feeling guilty.  It's the last thing he needs right now.  I'm sure he has enough stress of his own...trying to get through FTO, trying to biologically and mentally adjust to shift work, and coming to terms with his new surroundings.

I try very hard to take on the majority of the household and parenting responsibilities so he can sleep and concentrate on his job.  He's very good about trying to spend time with us on his days off, but since his days off fall in the middle of the week, it means a few hours a night for 3 nights.

I'm sure we'll be fine.  But tonight...after my son's raging temper tantrum...I'm feeling a little alone.  It's easy for me to see how LE can negatively affect the family.  And it's no surprise to me why some spouses become depressed or angry and why cops' kids get into trouble.  We'll do anything to support them, and anything to get their attention.

We have a pretty solid marriage.  I'm not concerned about that.  This shift will be over and we'll have our weekends back...for awhile.  But, because of this department's rotation schedule, "the man" will ultimately be on some sort of night shift for half of the year.

6 months of not sleeping in the same bed as my husband or having any sort of weekend social life with him sounds like a lifetime sentence to me right now.

My logical brain knew this would be a part of our lives when he decided to go into LE.  But, logic does not rule the heart...and my preschooler isn't really all that logical right now anyway.  Neither one of us is adapting smoothly.  We both hate change...and we've had nothing but change since last summer.

But, we're trying.

I read a blog post (A Police Wife) today that completely spoke to my plight.  I know I am not alone in this.  And in some small way, that makes me feel better.  There is a silent army of us...spouses who stoicly try to keep the family together and the house from caving in while our loved ones protect the peace and put their lives on the line for people we don't even know.  And there are the children, who often don't understand why mommy or daddy can't be there to tuck them in, or see their recital, or fill an empty seat at the dinner table.

I grew up a soldier's daughter.  So, I am not new to this lifestyle.  But that doesn't really make it easier.  Maybe my expectations of how our life would change were more realistic because of my experience, but the reality is...having an absent spouse is hard on the whole family...even the absent spouse.

Tonight...I'm praying for "the man".  I miss his presence in the house.  But I so deeply admire what he is doing.

Before he left, he asked me if I wanted him to wake me up when he got home (around 3:30) so we could spend some time together.  It's a weird life we have...but he is trying so hard to make sure he gives us the time we so desperately crave.  Even if it means I will have to go to bed at 9 and take a nap when he leaves for work...it's better than nothing.  And what's more important...is that he asked.

I still don't know what I'm going to do about our son.  He's struggling a great deal right now...and his young mind just can't quite make sense of it or rationalize his daddy's absense, so he acts out.  Normal and expected...but not something we can (or will) ignore.

I've been digging around on the internet, but haven't found much help.  My son isn't ADD, ADHD, ODD, or any other acronym.  He doesn't have tantrums all the time or display agressive behavior.  He doesn't need a psychiatrist.  He just needs mommy and daddy to figure out how to help him maneuver and accept a world that is completely new (and disappointing) to him.

I'll let you know when I figure out how to do that...but don't stay up waiting.  I can't imagine a solution will come quickly or easily.

I thought I was going to have to shoot someone last night...

It isn't the story you want to hear over your morning coffee.  The one about your husband being called to a potential shooting...having to knock on the door of a house where a man is suspected to have a loaded weapon which he has used to shoot through his wall...alerting neighbors to suspicious behavior.  The story about how he had to pull out his new rifle, call for back-up, and search a disgusting dirty house without running water in the middle of an "average Joe" neighborhood in a small town where things like this don't happen.

It's amazing what goes on in this world when the rest of us aren't watching. 

The funny thing is...he called me...before he got out of his car to knock on this man's door.  He didn't tell me a thing about it.  He just said, "I'm on a call; I can't talk long.  I just wanted to call and say I love you and good night."

After he told me the story this morning...somehow this call has become haunting.  I know why he did it.  It was just in case.

Empty Beds

I have to admit...I hadn't really thought the night shift through.  I had this picture of him working for 4 days...sleeping through the day while I was at work or off doing errands, keeping the kid out of his hair.  And then would come his 3 day weekend and he would be back to sleeping in our bed...for at least a few hours, we'd be able to touch base.  And I'm not talking sex here...I'm talking "sleeping with my husband"...which is not happening...not even on those 3 days off.  Why?  Because, duh...he has to keep to the same schedule even on his days off.  Intellectually, I knew this...but it didn't sink in until he started the shift. 

We are now on week two and have not slept in the same bed for as long.  Without providing TMI...our intimate life isn't suffering...he comes home before I leave for work most mornings and "visits" before I go to sleep on his nights off.  But still...I miss sleeping with the man I married.

It's really quite medieval...he has his own room (completely blocked from all light) where he keeps all of his cop stuff and can just come home, drop it all on the floor, and crash...at any time of day or night.  It allows me to use our room/master bath when he's sleeping without disturbing him.

I really cannot wait until he is back on days...but that is a month and a half away.

I'm not sure how to deal with an empty bed half of the year.  His dept. has 4 shifts (two day and two night - different times)...so for at least 6 months he'll be on one or the other of the night shifts.

Unthrilled.  Very unthrilled.

This will get easier, right?

Or at least that is what I am telling myself.

Last night was "the man's" first night shift.  He's been preparing for it for the past few days.  And since he's working weekend nights, it means we really won't be seeing each other much.

He went to work at 6; I came home at 6.  We met in passing.

This morning, I woke up at 7...he came home at 7:30...he went to bed at 8:00.  I'll be leaving with the kid at 9 so it stays quiet enough for him to sleep.

We should get home around nap time, so I'll get to see him for a couple of hours before he leaves.

When you think about night shift work...or at least when I think about night shift work...it comes out sounding like this in my head:

"Okay...so you have 4 days (nights) of this.  That means I won't see you much on those 4 days.  But there are those other 3 days, right?"

But, no...there aren't.  Because he (duh) has to keep the same schedule on his days off so he's ready to go back on. 

I'm not a fan.  Thank god there is a shift rotation so I only have to put up with this for a few months.  I know that in some departments, the new guy gets the crappiest shift...the one no one else wants.  Luckily, in my husband's department, there are guys who actually prefer nights, so there is always the possibility for trading in for days.