I Love a Cop

Because I was kind of in the dumps last night...feeling a bit overwhelmed with my increased responsibilities and alone time with a young child who is freaking out about daddy being gone, I went on the search for tips to deal with a stressed out kid.  In the search, I ran across this book...again.  I jumped and downloaded the sample version to my kindle.  I started reading and couldn't stop.  It was engaging, insightful, and made me feel better somehow.  So, I downloaded the full version and spent the morning reading.  I'm already 1/4 of the way through and have yet to find the book boring, patronizing or repetitive (unlike the book "the man" brought home from the academy - meant for families to read).

This book didn't bring me one ounce of comfort.  It pretty much said, "Here is all the stressful stuff you're going to have to deal with...so good luck."  And then it repeated it over and over.  I got so tired of reading about hypervigilance, I eventually just began skimming and scanning my way to the end.

I Love a Cop, on the other hand, give tons of helpful ideas for dealing with exactly the things a police family faces at each stage of the game.  It also focuses on smaller departments and is directed at the family, whereas Emotional Survival really seems intended for the officer.

Anyhow...I guess this is my plug for the book.

So far, I've read the first 3 chapters.  Chapter one "The Way It Is" immediately covers the realities of shift work, long hours, unpredictable schedules, public scrutiny, injuries, and separation.  And rather than saying, "This is the reality...get used to it..." it offers advice on how to deal with your officer, how to ask for what you need, and how to remain supportive while doing so.

Chapter two "The Police Officer's Paradox" focuses mostly on the emotional control required of officers and how that carries over to the homefront, cynicism and overprotectiveness, the effect of working in a hierarchy on the officer's self-esteem, and hypervigilance.  Basically, just like with chapter one...it presents the issues and how those issues affect the officer and then the family...as equal players in the game.

Chapter three "Growing Old in a Young Person's Profession" illustrates the changes that an officer goes through in his/her career:

1.  the applicant phase - loving the idea of the job/excitement,
2.  academy/probation-  the stress of measuring up and dealing with criticism
3.  the honeymoon phase - the adrenaline rush and constant high/idealism
4.  settling down - after the rookie years
5.  disillusionment and losing sight of life outside of police work

Now I'm onto Chapter 4 "Organizational Stress", and the opening quote just makes me smile:

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off." - Anonymous

The funny thing is...my line of work, while not as dangerous as "the man's", is one that follows a very similar path.  I work in education and I can say that 10 years ago, I was definitely idealistic.  I thought I could change the world and I was willing to work loads of extra hours to make that happen.  I gave my life to the job...but, I was single at the time, so it really wasn't hurting anyone.  I'm into the settling down phase...moving into disillusionment...realizing the public scrutiny, blame, and negativity that goes along with my career...not being appreciated, always being criticized...I get it.  So, it's easy for me to relate to the way Ellen Kirschman explains the process of becoming and being a police family.  I'm also sort of comforted by the fact that, unlike some of the young couples introduced in the book, "the man" and I are older (in our mid-30's), have been married for nearly a decade, and have very open communication.  He's emotionally supportive, reads my feelings quite well, and doesn't take things all that personally.  He doesn't hide from problems or confrontation...sometimes cornering me into finishing an argument.  He sees things through and won't let it go until the problem is solved...or at least discussed at length.  Ironically, I, not the officer, am the emotionally-challenged one.  I tend to keep things in, either feeling angry or guilty far longer than I should.

Reading this book is reminding me that I have to be very assertive about my needs...lobbying hard for my relationship and my expectations, while remaining supportive and aware of the obstacles and roadblocks "the man" is facing.  I'm very conscious of my requests, careful to limit them to only the most important, as I know that being in the FTO is period is highly stressful (though exciting).  Every move he makes is being scrutinized and noted.  He doesn't need that at home.

I don't criticize him.  I'm very proud of his accomplishments and I try hard to take on more duties at home.  But, I am verbal about my own emotional needs and those of our son.  I don't care if he leaves a messy kitchen or doesn't do his share of the housework.  But, he absolutely must spend 30 min. on the couch with me before he crashes in the morning.  And he has to spend time alone with his son every night he's home.  He also has to let me know when he will be late, so I don't have to worry about his safety.  I think my requests are reasonable.  And this book is reminding me that this is the way it always should be.

This is a definite must-read for any police family!