This month, "the man" has been on weekend night shift. He leaves for work around 4 and gets home around 5 in the a.m. My son and I see him on Thursday and Friday morning for about 30 min. before he hits the hay, and he's already gone by the time we get home from school and work.
Saturdays and Sundays are pretty tough...we leave for the better part of the day to keep the house quiet enough for "the man" to sleep. The first few weekends weren't too bad - we did our shopping and errands, went to breakfast, wandered around town. I don't shop much, so getting to some of the stores I hadn't been to for ages was actually entertaining (though my young son would probably disagree).
But, this weekend, it finally hit me. I've done every bit of shopping our small town has to offer (I even hit the next few towns over).
I came home, put our son down for a nap (he saw daddy for all of 10 minutes), and spent half an hour on the couch listening to "the man" recount the events of his night...then, he was up and getting back into uniform again. I suddenly found myself holding back tears. "I'm not done..." I thought... "That wasn't enough time...I'm not ready for you to go again...I don't want to sleep alone...again..." I didn't say it. I don't like to sound or seem whiny.
It's important to note, I am not a needy or clingy wife. I have my own career, my own friends, my own hobbies...and I am quite capable of holding down the fort at home. But, every once in awhile, I become a bit overwhelmed by the amount of time I am now spending alone, or alone with our son. First the academy, and now night shift...it's been basically 6 months of seeing my husband for roughly 2 days per week. I'm starting to fall behind, I'm losing my temper more easily, I'm finding myself feeling frazzled and going to bed at 8:30. And I'm not the only one. My strong-willed, independent preschooler is beginning to have meltdowns, lash out at those around him, and cry at the drop of a hat.
It's also important to note that "the man" is not insensitive to this. In fact, I really try to even avoid telling him I'm stressed or feeling over-burdened because I don't want him feeling guilty. It's the last thing he needs right now. I'm sure he has enough stress of his own...trying to get through FTO, trying to biologically and mentally adjust to shift work, and coming to terms with his new surroundings.
I try very hard to take on the majority of the household and parenting responsibilities so he can sleep and concentrate on his job. He's very good about trying to spend time with us on his days off, but since his days off fall in the middle of the week, it means a few hours a night for 3 nights.
I'm sure we'll be fine. But tonight...after my son's raging temper tantrum...I'm feeling a little alone. It's easy for me to see how LE can negatively affect the family. And it's no surprise to me why some spouses become depressed or angry and why cops' kids get into trouble. We'll do anything to support them, and anything to get their attention.
We have a pretty solid marriage. I'm not concerned about that. This shift will be over and we'll have our weekends back...for awhile. But, because of this department's rotation schedule, "the man" will ultimately be on some sort of night shift for half of the year.
6 months of not sleeping in the same bed as my husband or having any sort of weekend social life with him sounds like a lifetime sentence to me right now.
My logical brain knew this would be a part of our lives when he decided to go into LE. But, logic does not rule the heart...and my preschooler isn't really all that logical right now anyway. Neither one of us is adapting smoothly. We both hate change...and we've had nothing but change since last summer.
But, we're trying.
I read a blog post (A Police Wife) today that completely spoke to my plight. I know I am not alone in this. And in some small way, that makes me feel better. There is a silent army of us...spouses who stoicly try to keep the family together and the house from caving in while our loved ones protect the peace and put their lives on the line for people we don't even know. And there are the children, who often don't understand why mommy or daddy can't be there to tuck them in, or see their recital, or fill an empty seat at the dinner table.
I grew up a soldier's daughter. So, I am not new to this lifestyle. But that doesn't really make it easier. Maybe my expectations of how our life would change were more realistic because of my experience, but the reality is...having an absent spouse is hard on the whole family...even the absent spouse.
Tonight...I'm praying for "the man". I miss his presence in the house. But I so deeply admire what he is doing.
Before he left, he asked me if I wanted him to wake me up when he got home (around 3:30) so we could spend some time together. It's a weird life we have...but he is trying so hard to make sure he gives us the time we so desperately crave. Even if it means I will have to go to bed at 9 and take a nap when he leaves for work...it's better than nothing. And what's more important...is that he asked.
I still don't know what I'm going to do about our son. He's struggling a great deal right now...and his young mind just can't quite make sense of it or rationalize his daddy's absense, so he acts out. Normal and expected...but not something we can (or will) ignore.
I've been digging around on the internet, but haven't found much help. My son isn't ADD, ADHD, ODD, or any other acronym. He doesn't have tantrums all the time or display agressive behavior. He doesn't need a psychiatrist. He just needs mommy and daddy to figure out how to help him maneuver and accept a world that is completely new (and disappointing) to him.
I'll let you know when I figure out how to do that...but don't stay up waiting. I can't imagine a solution will come quickly or easily.
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