Stealing Time Together

Nap Time:  I've always been a fan of naps.  But now, they are actually a way for us to spend time together.  Sort of sad, but sort of not.  Putting our son down for his own nap means sneaking in to the bedroom to snuggle up and get some contact time before he heads off to work again.

Sick Days:  Yep, I'm using 'em.  Well, one half day.  So far.  Just to head out of town to do lunch and a little shopping together.

Nights out with non-cop friends:  It's important, really...to keep his head in the real world and to keep our lives as normal as possible.  Dinner, a comedy show, drinks...anything really - whatever it takes to get out.  Now-a-days it's usually in the middle of the week, though.  Which means an early night for me so I can get to work on time the next morning.

Nights out with cop friends:  Also important.  It's a good way for him to get stuff off his chest and to confirm or deny stuff.  He can get and give advice, talk shop with a willing and knowledgeable audience.  And I can keep my ties with the women (and men) who will be there for me when s*%t hits the fan.  There are no wives that can understand my complaints and concerns as well as other cop wives.  They can also give advice when necessary.

Working out:  We hit the Y together as often as possible.  Running next to each other is a good way to get caught up and to stay in shape.  I don't run as fast as him, so running on side-by-side treadmills is excellent.  Even if we don't talk, it's nice to be in the same room - and it's important for him to workout (hard to manage with his current odd hours).

Walking the dogs:  Another way to stay in shape and have a family outing.  Our poor dogs have really taken a hit by "the man's" new schedule.  I sleep all night, so the dogs have no choice.  I get up and leave, passing the baton to my husband, who then sleeps all day...once again, the dogs have no choice.  So, as many days as is possible, we walk the dogs together when I get home from work.  It gets him up and moving after his "morning" coffee, and it allows me to wind down from my day.  I think it's time to break down and put the $$ into building a fence this summer so the dogs can run free all day.

Texting:  I never liked it...and I don't really like it now, either.  But...I have to admit, it is nice to see a note from the man on occasion throughout my day and night.  Just a little way to stay in touch when we see little of each other.

Hangin' with the guys

It's an important part of any job, really...getting to know your colleagues and interacting with them, sometimes socially.  It makes working with them easier.  Yes, complications can arise when you work with your friends...but I genuinely believe that it is better that your co-workers be your friends than your enemies...or simply indifferent co-inhabitants of the same workspace.

In life and death careers, it's even more important that employees be friends (or at least friendly), as these people are the ones who should have your back when the *&$# hits the fan.

So, even though my nose is just a hair out of place, I totally understand why "the man" is out enjoying the company of his new dept. folk.  Of course, it meant that I didn't get to see him today...at all.  It's a small price to pay for fitting in, though.

Police work is a career laden with egos.  Guys (and gals) who have been on the force forever and think they know everything (and they might).  Young hot shots who become too competitive and think they're better than everyone else.  And those who are always nervous about being passed over for a promotion or overlooked as they stand in the shadow of another.

In hierarchical jobs, find your place is important.  Knowing where you stand, who has your back, who doesn't, who you can trust, and who you can't...these things are almost as important as the job itself.

So, yes, kicking back a few beers and taking in some entertainment with the guys is pretty important work.

Even if it means giving up one of the few nights I have with "the man."

Boo.  But, I'll get over it.  On Friday...when I hit happy hour with my co-workers and "the man" gets to pick up the kid and enjoy some quality parent/child time.

Love notes

It's how we communicate now a days...post-its and little notes on the kitchen counter.  Little I-love-you's and I-miss-you's scribbled in red pen in the wee hours of the morning or very late at night.  Like a thief in the night, he slips in to lay beside me for a few hours before he sneaks off to his dark sleeping room.  I wake at odd hours to share a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.  Time holds no meaning other than "It's time to go to work". 

The love notes tighten the rope that holds our family together right now.  Simple words.  Few words.  But, just enough to get me through the nights when he isn't here.

This morning, I woke to:  "I love you, I miss you, I hate this, This sucks, I miss sleeping in the same room and seeing my family in the morning."

Me, too...love.  Me, too.

WSP Trooper Killed

This is the first WSP shooting since 1929.  So, so sad.  I planned to post this earlier this week when it happened...but...things got in the way.  I've collected a few links that tell the story from the beginning.

Update: WSP Identifies Trooper Killed in Kitsap County

Suspect in Trooper's Killing Dies of Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wounds

Person in Custody in WSP Trooper Shooting Dies

2nd Arrest in WSP Trooper Murder

Related link:

Law Enforcement Line of Duty Deaths in 2012  (January: 15, February: 5)

I want my weekends back

And did I mention I'd like my house back, too?  This whole night shift business has managed to kick my son and I out of our own house every Saturday and Sunday since it began.  Or we hole ourselves up and play games or watch cartoons in the master bedroom...on the other side of the house from "the man's" sleeping quarters (what used to be the guest room).

It's all so surreal.  We come...he goes...he comes...we go...he wakes...we sleep...

We are strangers passing in the day and night.

Well...I suppose that is a bit dramatic.  But sometimes it certainly feels that way.

Police Rants and Negative Public Opinion

I tend to be a reactive person.  I take things personally, often when I shouldn't.  I know this about myself...but it doesn't make it any easier when I hear people complain about cops.  I realize that there are dirty cops out there (lord knows I deal with a similar situation in my line of work), but seriously, one scandal is enough to make the media sharks turn the public on all police.  Same thing with teachers...someone effs up and we're all evil child-molesters out looking to take advantage of innocent children. 

Now a days, it seems as if everyone is out to video tape and trap police (and teachers) doing things they shouldn't be doing.  It's become an "us against them" sort of thing...and the families get dragged into it, too.  Police families want to protect and defend our cops, which can make us defensive.  I just happen to get it coming and going since I work in a similarly loved/hated profession where the workers in the trenches take the brunt of the complaints and negative attention.

For example...Occupy Everything.  While this seems to have begun as a public outcry against economic irresponsibility by the government/fed/Wall Street...it quickly morphed into a bitch session about everything, including cops.  The "Police Brutality" set came out in full force...pulled out their cellphones, and worked together to taunt the cops into action.  These videos then, out of context, moved like wildfire across the internet.

As a police wife, I had to actually stop watching the news, reading articles, and talking to friends about the Occupy movement.  It made me too angry.  Police were called upon to keep the peace, remove people who were looting, harassing passersby, and interfering with local business.  Yet, somehow, they came out "the bad guys".

And then there are the websites and the facebook pages...take any town or city and search google or facebook by filling in this blank:  ____________ brutality...or ______________ police brutality.  You'll find them.

The other night, "the man" and his partner were called out to do a bar check.  It was supposed to be a big concert...a dozen bands in a small bar.  It had "disaster" written all over it.  They stopped by, with someone from the fire department...to make sure, before it started, that the management were aware of the laws...so everyone stayed safe.  The following day, they made the brutality site with the complaint that they came in and bullied everyone, harassing everyone and throwing their weight around.  I just can't believe how twisted stories can become.

"The man" works in a fairly small town...where the vocal minority really hates the cop...feeling them to be "militarized bullies who take advantage of the people and abuse their rights at every turn."  This, of course, couldn't be further from the truth.  They do their job.  They arrest people who break the law.  They ticket people who speed or park where they shouldn't.  The drive and walk around town because that's what cops do.  So, basically, what it comes down to is...they wear a uniform and they exist.  That's offensive enough for some people.

In some bigger cities, it's a much more serious issue.  People actually target cops with violence.  They hunt them down, corner them, beat them up, kill them...for sport...for admission into a gang...for revenge.  It blows my mind.

Sometimes, I wonder why police do it at all.  I wonder...if all the cops took the day off and let the people deal with their own problems...  Well, I know how that would turn out.  It would still be the cops' fault.  They're damned if they do and damned if they don't.  Another thing I can relate to, in my profession.   I suppose someone has to do it.  I just wish we were given the respect we deserve.  It's a hard enough job without the public criticizing our every move.

I Love a Cop

Because I was kind of in the dumps last night...feeling a bit overwhelmed with my increased responsibilities and alone time with a young child who is freaking out about daddy being gone, I went on the search for tips to deal with a stressed out kid.  In the search, I ran across this book...again.  I jumped and downloaded the sample version to my kindle.  I started reading and couldn't stop.  It was engaging, insightful, and made me feel better somehow.  So, I downloaded the full version and spent the morning reading.  I'm already 1/4 of the way through and have yet to find the book boring, patronizing or repetitive (unlike the book "the man" brought home from the academy - meant for families to read).

This book didn't bring me one ounce of comfort.  It pretty much said, "Here is all the stressful stuff you're going to have to deal with...so good luck."  And then it repeated it over and over.  I got so tired of reading about hypervigilance, I eventually just began skimming and scanning my way to the end.

I Love a Cop, on the other hand, give tons of helpful ideas for dealing with exactly the things a police family faces at each stage of the game.  It also focuses on smaller departments and is directed at the family, whereas Emotional Survival really seems intended for the officer.

Anyhow...I guess this is my plug for the book.

So far, I've read the first 3 chapters.  Chapter one "The Way It Is" immediately covers the realities of shift work, long hours, unpredictable schedules, public scrutiny, injuries, and separation.  And rather than saying, "This is the reality...get used to it..." it offers advice on how to deal with your officer, how to ask for what you need, and how to remain supportive while doing so.

Chapter two "The Police Officer's Paradox" focuses mostly on the emotional control required of officers and how that carries over to the homefront, cynicism and overprotectiveness, the effect of working in a hierarchy on the officer's self-esteem, and hypervigilance.  Basically, just like with chapter one...it presents the issues and how those issues affect the officer and then the family...as equal players in the game.

Chapter three "Growing Old in a Young Person's Profession" illustrates the changes that an officer goes through in his/her career:

1.  the applicant phase - loving the idea of the job/excitement,
2.  academy/probation-  the stress of measuring up and dealing with criticism
3.  the honeymoon phase - the adrenaline rush and constant high/idealism
4.  settling down - after the rookie years
5.  disillusionment and losing sight of life outside of police work

Now I'm onto Chapter 4 "Organizational Stress", and the opening quote just makes me smile:

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off." - Anonymous

The funny thing is...my line of work, while not as dangerous as "the man's", is one that follows a very similar path.  I work in education and I can say that 10 years ago, I was definitely idealistic.  I thought I could change the world and I was willing to work loads of extra hours to make that happen.  I gave my life to the job...but, I was single at the time, so it really wasn't hurting anyone.  I'm into the settling down phase...moving into disillusionment...realizing the public scrutiny, blame, and negativity that goes along with my career...not being appreciated, always being criticized...I get it.  So, it's easy for me to relate to the way Ellen Kirschman explains the process of becoming and being a police family.  I'm also sort of comforted by the fact that, unlike some of the young couples introduced in the book, "the man" and I are older (in our mid-30's), have been married for nearly a decade, and have very open communication.  He's emotionally supportive, reads my feelings quite well, and doesn't take things all that personally.  He doesn't hide from problems or confrontation...sometimes cornering me into finishing an argument.  He sees things through and won't let it go until the problem is solved...or at least discussed at length.  Ironically, I, not the officer, am the emotionally-challenged one.  I tend to keep things in, either feeling angry or guilty far longer than I should.

Reading this book is reminding me that I have to be very assertive about my needs...lobbying hard for my relationship and my expectations, while remaining supportive and aware of the obstacles and roadblocks "the man" is facing.  I'm very conscious of my requests, careful to limit them to only the most important, as I know that being in the FTO is period is highly stressful (though exciting).  Every move he makes is being scrutinized and noted.  He doesn't need that at home.

I don't criticize him.  I'm very proud of his accomplishments and I try hard to take on more duties at home.  But, I am verbal about my own emotional needs and those of our son.  I don't care if he leaves a messy kitchen or doesn't do his share of the housework.  But, he absolutely must spend 30 min. on the couch with me before he crashes in the morning.  And he has to spend time alone with his son every night he's home.  He also has to let me know when he will be late, so I don't have to worry about his safety.  I think my requests are reasonable.  And this book is reminding me that this is the way it always should be.

This is a definite must-read for any police family!

When will daddy be home?

So...we aren't coping well tonight with daddy's absence.

This month, "the man" has been on weekend night shift.  He leaves for work around 4 and gets home around 5 in the a.m.  My son and I see him on Thursday and Friday morning for about 30 min. before he hits the hay, and he's already gone by the time we get home from school and work.

Saturdays and Sundays are pretty tough...we leave for the better part of the day to keep the house quiet enough for "the man" to sleep.  The first few weekends weren't too bad - we did our shopping and errands, went to breakfast, wandered around town.  I don't shop much, so getting to some of the stores I hadn't been to for ages was actually entertaining (though my young son would probably disagree).

But, this weekend, it finally hit me.  I've done every bit of shopping our small town has to offer (I even hit the next few towns over).

I came home, put our son down for a nap (he saw daddy for all of 10 minutes), and spent half an hour on the couch listening to "the man" recount the events of his night...then, he was up and getting back into uniform again.  I suddenly found myself holding back tears.  "I'm not done..." I thought... "That wasn't enough time...I'm not ready for you to go again...I don't want to sleep alone...again..." I didn't say it.  I don't like to sound or seem whiny.

It's important to note, I am not a needy or clingy wife.  I have my own career, my own friends, my own hobbies...and I am quite capable of holding down the fort at home.  But, every once in awhile, I become a bit overwhelmed by the amount of time I am now spending alone, or alone with our son.  First the academy, and now night shift...it's been basically 6 months of seeing my husband for roughly 2 days per week.  I'm starting to fall behind, I'm losing my temper more easily, I'm finding myself feeling frazzled and going to bed at 8:30.  And I'm not the only one.  My strong-willed, independent preschooler is beginning to have meltdowns, lash out at those around him, and cry at the drop of a hat.

It's also important to note that "the man" is not insensitive to this.  In fact, I really try to even avoid telling him I'm stressed or feeling over-burdened because I don't want him feeling guilty.  It's the last thing he needs right now.  I'm sure he has enough stress of his own...trying to get through FTO, trying to biologically and mentally adjust to shift work, and coming to terms with his new surroundings.

I try very hard to take on the majority of the household and parenting responsibilities so he can sleep and concentrate on his job.  He's very good about trying to spend time with us on his days off, but since his days off fall in the middle of the week, it means a few hours a night for 3 nights.

I'm sure we'll be fine.  But tonight...after my son's raging temper tantrum...I'm feeling a little alone.  It's easy for me to see how LE can negatively affect the family.  And it's no surprise to me why some spouses become depressed or angry and why cops' kids get into trouble.  We'll do anything to support them, and anything to get their attention.

We have a pretty solid marriage.  I'm not concerned about that.  This shift will be over and we'll have our weekends back...for awhile.  But, because of this department's rotation schedule, "the man" will ultimately be on some sort of night shift for half of the year.

6 months of not sleeping in the same bed as my husband or having any sort of weekend social life with him sounds like a lifetime sentence to me right now.

My logical brain knew this would be a part of our lives when he decided to go into LE.  But, logic does not rule the heart...and my preschooler isn't really all that logical right now anyway.  Neither one of us is adapting smoothly.  We both hate change...and we've had nothing but change since last summer.

But, we're trying.

I read a blog post (A Police Wife) today that completely spoke to my plight.  I know I am not alone in this.  And in some small way, that makes me feel better.  There is a silent army of us...spouses who stoicly try to keep the family together and the house from caving in while our loved ones protect the peace and put their lives on the line for people we don't even know.  And there are the children, who often don't understand why mommy or daddy can't be there to tuck them in, or see their recital, or fill an empty seat at the dinner table.

I grew up a soldier's daughter.  So, I am not new to this lifestyle.  But that doesn't really make it easier.  Maybe my expectations of how our life would change were more realistic because of my experience, but the reality is...having an absent spouse is hard on the whole family...even the absent spouse.

Tonight...I'm praying for "the man".  I miss his presence in the house.  But I so deeply admire what he is doing.

Before he left, he asked me if I wanted him to wake me up when he got home (around 3:30) so we could spend some time together.  It's a weird life we have...but he is trying so hard to make sure he gives us the time we so desperately crave.  Even if it means I will have to go to bed at 9 and take a nap when he leaves for work...it's better than nothing.  And what's more important...is that he asked.

I still don't know what I'm going to do about our son.  He's struggling a great deal right now...and his young mind just can't quite make sense of it or rationalize his daddy's absense, so he acts out.  Normal and expected...but not something we can (or will) ignore.

I've been digging around on the internet, but haven't found much help.  My son isn't ADD, ADHD, ODD, or any other acronym.  He doesn't have tantrums all the time or display agressive behavior.  He doesn't need a psychiatrist.  He just needs mommy and daddy to figure out how to help him maneuver and accept a world that is completely new (and disappointing) to him.

I'll let you know when I figure out how to do that...but don't stay up waiting.  I can't imagine a solution will come quickly or easily.

I thought I was going to have to shoot someone last night...

It isn't the story you want to hear over your morning coffee.  The one about your husband being called to a potential shooting...having to knock on the door of a house where a man is suspected to have a loaded weapon which he has used to shoot through his wall...alerting neighbors to suspicious behavior.  The story about how he had to pull out his new rifle, call for back-up, and search a disgusting dirty house without running water in the middle of an "average Joe" neighborhood in a small town where things like this don't happen.

It's amazing what goes on in this world when the rest of us aren't watching. 

The funny thing is...he called me...before he got out of his car to knock on this man's door.  He didn't tell me a thing about it.  He just said, "I'm on a call; I can't talk long.  I just wanted to call and say I love you and good night."

After he told me the story this morning...somehow this call has become haunting.  I know why he did it.  It was just in case.

Empty Beds

I have to admit...I hadn't really thought the night shift through.  I had this picture of him working for 4 days...sleeping through the day while I was at work or off doing errands, keeping the kid out of his hair.  And then would come his 3 day weekend and he would be back to sleeping in our bed...for at least a few hours, we'd be able to touch base.  And I'm not talking sex here...I'm talking "sleeping with my husband"...which is not happening...not even on those 3 days off.  Why?  Because, duh...he has to keep to the same schedule even on his days off.  Intellectually, I knew this...but it didn't sink in until he started the shift. 

We are now on week two and have not slept in the same bed for as long.  Without providing TMI...our intimate life isn't suffering...he comes home before I leave for work most mornings and "visits" before I go to sleep on his nights off.  But still...I miss sleeping with the man I married.

It's really quite medieval...he has his own room (completely blocked from all light) where he keeps all of his cop stuff and can just come home, drop it all on the floor, and crash...at any time of day or night.  It allows me to use our room/master bath when he's sleeping without disturbing him.

I really cannot wait until he is back on days...but that is a month and a half away.

I'm not sure how to deal with an empty bed half of the year.  His dept. has 4 shifts (two day and two night - different times)...so for at least 6 months he'll be on one or the other of the night shifts.

Unthrilled.  Very unthrilled.

This will get easier, right?

Or at least that is what I am telling myself.

Last night was "the man's" first night shift.  He's been preparing for it for the past few days.  And since he's working weekend nights, it means we really won't be seeing each other much.

He went to work at 6; I came home at 6.  We met in passing.

This morning, I woke up at 7...he came home at 7:30...he went to bed at 8:00.  I'll be leaving with the kid at 9 so it stays quiet enough for him to sleep.

We should get home around nap time, so I'll get to see him for a couple of hours before he leaves.

When you think about night shift work...or at least when I think about night shift work...it comes out sounding like this in my head:

"Okay...so you have 4 days (nights) of this.  That means I won't see you much on those 4 days.  But there are those other 3 days, right?"

But, no...there aren't.  Because he (duh) has to keep the same schedule on his days off so he's ready to go back on. 

I'm not a fan.  Thank god there is a shift rotation so I only have to put up with this for a few months.  I know that in some departments, the new guy gets the crappiest shift...the one no one else wants.  Luckily, in my husband's department, there are guys who actually prefer nights, so there is always the possibility for trading in for days.

Late

Well...it won't be the last time, by any means...but tonight is the first time "the man" is late.  Hours late.  We are now going on 3 hours, and since he has an hour commute, it means he won't be home for quite some time.  I haven't even heard from him since his last call to notify me that his current case is quickly becoming a nightmare...something involving teenagers and a burglary. Wish I could meet up with those kids myself; I'd give 'em a piece of my mind for ruining our evening.

Not that I had anything in particular planned.  I don't even really mind that he isn't here (believe me, I have plenty to do getting chores done, kids fed, animals cared for, and myself a beer).

So, there you have it.  Meh.

My police wife friends caution me that this happens all the time and to never really become attached to plans on a day your police officer is working.

I am learning, daily, that schedules are just suggestions at the PD.

Like I said in an earlier post...I'm just going to assume he's working every day, all day...that way, when he's home, it'll feel like a wonderful surprise.

4 a.m.

As expected...the 4 am wake-up is affecting me.  Here I sit at 4:45 typing away about it being too early for me to be typing away.

I suppose during this shift, I may get a lot of morning reading, laundry, and blogging done.

And, at least it works with our kids' schedule...early bedtime...and they don't have to get up any earlier than normal.

For Mama...I guess I'll get used to it.

I don't really have a choice.  But something tells me I will be looking much like this around 4 p.m.:

I so wish I was a harder sleeper...but I am, unfortunately, one of those who wakes at the slightest creak that doesn't belong.  If he was getting up and getting out within 5 minutes, I could probably get back to sleep...maybe I can convince him to join a 24 hour gym and take his early-rising elsewhere.

Just a thought.

Surprise Shift Change

I love how when my husband checks his department email from home, invariably, there is a new calendar.  I mentioned this a few posts back.  But, seriously....they have 3 different people making schedules...it's a case of two left hands being unaware of what the right hand is doing. For example, there have been 13 revised January schedules...and the February schedule has been changed 8 times - and it's still a week off!  Silliness.

Anyhow...we've fallen victim to it.  "The Man" was supposed to go into work at his normal time all month...same shift.  For the next two days, he's been moved to the shift before (2 hours earlier).

I'm pretty sure he'll attempt to go to bed earlier to compensate.  Which means I have a decision to make:

Go to bed earlier (even though I'm not tired), since he will surely, though unintentionally, wake me up 2 hours before I am supposed to get up - and I know myself well enough to know that I'll never get back to sleep (at least not until 10 minutes before my alarm).

Or

Stay up and watch a little T.V. or read...go to bed at a normal time...and still wake up 2 hours before I am supposed to.

Either way, I'm going to be getting less sleep.

The side-effects of being a police wife.

You Look Like a Bat

Funny interaction had by "the man" and a "client" the other day:

Picked up said "client" passed out at the bank.  Said "client" was out of his mind on a plethora of substances.  He is a "regular" with the local PD...not really harmful...but a little on the, shall we say, sanity-challenged side.

They haul him into the hospital, as he cannot remember how much (or what) he has taken.

Some time later, the hospital calls the PD because the "client" (now "patient") has disappeared.  Having ripped his IV out, "the man" found him wandering nearby...and kindly guided him back the way he had come.

This time, the "patient" turned to "the man" and said:

"At first when I saw you, I thought you were a wolf...you looked all predatory-like.  But, now, I think you look like something else."

"What do I look like to you?" ("The Man" asks in puzzlement.)

"A bat.  SCREEEEE! SCREEEE! SCREEEE! SCREEEEE!!!!" (Screamed while waving his arms above his head and baring his teeth).

After securing the "patient" to the bed so he couldn't escape again (or pantomime any more animal movements), "the man" walked out to the nurses station.

Amidst their giggles, "the man" asked, "Is being a bat a good thing?  Was that a compliment?"

I love being the recipient of his hilarious interactions.  While I am sure there will be those that make me scared to send him back out the door again, these ones sort of make my day.

Cops and Cell Phones

In most states, driving while talking on a phone is now illegal.  It's a secondary offense here, which means the cops aren't likely to pull you over just for that, but, if you are doing anything else "wrong" at the time, it will simply increase the girth of your ticket.

We also apparently have a law that says it isn't illegal for law enforcement to do it.

This is one of those "exceptions" that I just don't get.  And it's one of the reasons that civilian folks eye the authorities with mistrust.  Believe me, I get it.  Before my man became "the man", it totally irked me when I saw cops speeding for no reason, ignoring traffic laws, talking on their phones while driving.  It just doesn't sit well with people.  Even if they have a reason we don't know about.  And even though I now know that those cops might really need to run a red light or speed through town without their lights on, while blabbing on a phone, it still irks me.

Now that my husband is a cop, he's become pretty aware of what the public perception is.  In fact, I even bought him a bluetooth device for his stocking this Christmas so he'd have it as soon as he was issued his own patrol car.  He doesn't want to be one of those guys who puts his toe on the line of the law just because he can.

Really, it's more than that.  Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.  And if you do it, rest assured that someone with an opinion, a video camera, and a following is watching.  Whatever your reason, it will probably be misinterpreted and exploited all over youtube.

It just isn't worth it to invite more scrutiny than is already aimed at cops.

Shifting Shifts

My best advice to a new police wife?  Be flexible.  That doesn't mean taking yoga classes (though that might not be a bad idea to fill your time)...it means be ready for the schedule, and subsequently your plan, to change without notice.

The Man works in a small department...but I would imaging this happens everywhere.  They have a monthly schedule, but as people put in for vacation days, sick leave, etc., it changes.  Again, and again, and again.

Our January calendar has changed 3 times so far.  I'm to the point where I have thrown my hands in the air and proclaimed, "I'll just assume you are always working...and when you're home, it'll just be like a surprise bonus!"

He assures me that it will even out once he is on a regular shift (currently he is still on FTO, and therefore at the mercy of everyone else on the schedule).

I do remember a seasoned cop wife telling me that being flexible about an officer's schedule is paramount to one's sanity and well-being.  She also said, just make your plans, and go through with them, even if you are on your own.  Don't wait for him - he may never show up.

Sigh.

Cops in the Snow

Here in the Northwest we are being absolutely dumped on!   It's not normal for us.  We tend to be a temperate climate.  Because of this, our small towns and cities do not have the infrastructure to handle snowstorms like the one we are seeing this week.  Sure we have a few snowplows...but that's it:  a few.  This means only the most used roads in town get plowed, and the busiest parts of the highway.  The side roads remain icy and snow-covered.

Lucky for us, we have 4WD.  Living in the woods on a dirt road in the county = disaster and isolation for anyone who doesn't have a proper vehicle.

In fact, because we expected this storm, the man decided to take his patrol car out and down the highway to park it where the weather promised to be a bit better.  This short 30 minute commute was a real eye-opener for me.

It started just a few hundred feet from our driveway, where our road curves and inclines.  I followed in my own vehicle so I could bring him back after dropping the car.  With only a slight dusting of snow over a bit of icy packed snow, his patrol car spun and swerved.  I backed up several times to give him clearance in case he slid back down.  He's an excellent driver, so I really was quite nervous about getting up the hill myself.  A few neighbors came out to watch the show (and presumably help push his car up the hill if necessary).  Eventually, though, he made it.  I followed up the hill with no trouble at all.  Yikes.

That's when I got a little agitated.  Really?  The cop car can't make it up the hill?  Aren't they supposed to be helping the rest of us out of ditches and diverting us around collisions and pile-ups?

The following 25 minutes I led the way (really the first time seeing lights in my rear-view mirror didn't make me nervous).  And though I had little trouble (drove slow and avoided drivers who obviously had no clue how to handle snowy roads - which is common here), he definitely had trouble with the hills since people were driving so slowly...giving him no ability to gain speed or traction.

Anyhow, we made it just fine and the roads were better on the way home (of course).  And the following day was clear.

Then, this morning...we woke up to snowmageddon - a good 4 inches and it was coming down heavily.  Now his regular vehicle is 4WD.  So I really wasn't too worried about the beginning of his commute.  He left early so as to leave time to get chains on his crappy patrol car tires.  The second leg of his commute is a twisty, windy road off the main highway.  About 15 miles that feels like 30 on a good day.

He called when he made it to his car.  And hour and a half later, I texted him with concern.  Really?  An hour and a half to make 15 miles?

Needless to say, he did make it to work fine.  And now, the greater issue - to stay put or to come home after shift.  Sounds like we have at least another 4-6 inches coming tonight, so even though the drive home might not be bad, tomorrow morning it might be worse than this morning.  It's already predicted that schools will be closed all week.

My big complaint?  Yah, I get it, we don't have much snow out here, but shouldn't law enforcement officers all have 4WD vehicles in rural/wooded areas, regardless of climate?  I realize departments across the U.S. are strapped for cash, but come on!  How can the help the rest of us, if they can even get to us?

Grrr.

And to close, whoever sent us this snow...you can have it back now - it's lost its appeal.

Disturbing Statistics

So, my husband was cleaning out all of his binders and bags from academy this weekend...which involved quite a bit of recycling.  One page that caught my eye before it made it to the shredder was this list of stats from his "Emotional Survival" training:

police suicide rate is 3x more than normal

80% divorce rate and new officers divorce after 5 years

you will live 5-10 years after retirement

50% of all officer illness is psychological

every 24-52 hours a police officer commits suicide

To some degree...I can see truth in these statistics...but I'm not sure it's all that grim in smaller departments and rural areas.  I'm not discounting it, but I know several retired officers who have made it past the 5-10 year mark...plenty of happy, lasting marriages, and mentally healthy cops.  These are certainly issues to be aware of, but I don't think it's as negative as these stats make it sound.

Yes, police work is stressful.  But there are other stressful (even life-threatening) careers, and police aren't doomed to a life of loneliness, mental anguish, and depression.  I might even go as far as saying that depression, divorce, and suicidal thoughts are not really brought on by a law enforcement career, but rather they are already present and separate from the job.  Sure, the job can exacerbate things, but if a couple has a weak marriage, they have a weak marriage.  Having a police spouse might make things worse, but it isn't the cause.  Mental illness is also a pre-existing condition that can be made worse by the job.  Domestic violence?  A cop who beats his/her spouse would do so if he/she was a cop or not.  It isn't because he/she is a cop.  I think some of these stats are based on faulty correlations.  Maybe police work draws individuals who are more prone to anger, depression, and violence.  Well, now there's a happy thought.  Besides...once again, most of the cops I know are happy, generous, calm, and controlled.

Whatever the stats or reasons behind them...I suppose it isn't a stupid idea to at least be aware of the possibilities.  After all, knowledge is power and ignorance is never a good excuse.

Graduation

This week, my husband will be graduating from the police academy!  Yeehaw!  The moment we have been awaiting for 20 weeks....and 4 years.

It was 2007 when he decided it was time to switch careers.  Kind of a big deal for a guy choosing a job in which he'd be competing against candidates 10+ years younger, many with military experience.  Now, some of them are 15 years younger...in fact, he was the second oldest in his class.  It seemed to actually benefit him, however, rather than get in his way.  His life experience, reserve time, and level-headedness seem to have aided him more than youth.

He will be graduating from a class that started out with 5 more than it will be ending with - having lost one to injury, one to poor-decision making, one to poor performance, and two to a seemingly unfair string of unfortunate events. 

I will say, it makes me feel that much luckier that my husband is in the clear.

And we're finally there.

Time to celebrate...but not much, cause he goes to work the day after graduation.

I guess there is no rest for the wicked, huh?

Besides...every ending is the beginning of something else.

(Sadly...I went searching for a good police-related graduation quote to close this post, but I could find nothing that wasn't derogatory or negative - what is it with all the cop-haters?)

Officers Down - New Years Day

Mt. Rainier ranger shot to death, gunman sought

Suspect in Mt. Rainier Shooting Found Dead in Snow

Puerto Rico Officer Killed During Traffic Stop

Officer Down - Memorial Page 

Amidst all of the celebrations...resolutions...and hangovers - some sobering occurrences, for law enforcement officers and families, are sure to remind us all how lucky we are and how easy it is to lose a loved one in this line of work.

The scariest part about these stories is that both involved simple traffic stops...something LE officers doing every day, often dozens of times.  It's easy to forget, especially for LE families, just how dangerous each and every stop has the potential to be.  Of course, it's also sort of imperative that we "forget"...or at least avoid thinking about it all the time.

When I was a kid, my dad was a pilot in the Army.  It was simply a fact of our life that he might be sent away to war or might have any number of flight-related mishaps.  I'm certain my mom was aware of it...always...on a subconscious level.  But, to survive a life with someone in a dangerous profession, the family must push the awareness of that danger into the back of their minds.  Unfortunately, we are much more aware of it, even subconsciously, than people on "the outside".

Just recently, my husband was advised by an officer friend to "never forget to call or text your wife when you are going to be late".  The breath-stopping fear that can leap into the psyche of an LE spouse when he/she wakes up at 4 (when the officer was supposed to be home at 1) can lead to a state of instant panic.  My husband and I know this first hand.  Early on in his reserve experience, I woke up in just this situation.  And just as would be expected, I freaked out.

It only takes one shot.

My heart and prayers go out to the families of

Sergeant Abimael Castro-Berrocales, Puerto Rico Police Department, Puerto Rico

and

Park Ranger Margaret Anderson, United States Department of the Interior - National Park Service, U.S. Government

Read more: http://www.odmp.org/officer/21076-park-ranger-margaret-anderson#ixzz1iMem9Rsl

Read more: http://www.odmp.org/officer/21075-sergeant-abimael-castro-berrocales#ixzz1iMeToaq7

Have you hugged your officer today?